THE MAN IN THE NYLON STOCKING MASK AND THEN IN A STRANGE NEW MASK*

*From an idea by John Lincoln Parssinen

More and more Americans have come to the conclusion that there is even less to Jared Kushner than first suspected.  People have begun to gossip that Kushner, son-in-law of Donald Trump, has no soul and only trace amounts of spirit and character.  But suspicions have begun to mount that he also seems to have no face.  Scientists once thought Kushner’s lack of facial characteristics were nothing more than poor photography.  Others said that the face might be the result of a strange, unsubstantiated coincidence of bad luck and forgotten accidents.  Still others thought there was a family curse involving a rare disease known as “melon head,” with all facial parts more or less disappearing, and the head becoming as smooth as a watermelon’s patootie.

One bright observer (correctly, as it turns out) thought Kushner looked like he was wearing several nylon stockings pulled tightly over his head.  Most agreed that this was a silly idea, unless the presidential aide planned to rob a bank or hold up a Wall Street brokerage.  Ha ha ha…the Trump enthusiasts said.  Why would a Trump want to rob a bank or hold up Wall Street?  What was there to gain by doing something like that?  And yet, the word “gain” did have a meaning that the president understood, and he thought the idea had merit, until something or other happened in either North Korea or….  Or…. Hmmmmm.

Furthermore, just how would Kushner go about putting nylons on his head?  (Hired assets blushed when they found out).  In any case, all observers began to look more closely at the videos and the live shots of Kushner, complaining that there was nothing to see, other than blinking little button eyes, a zipper attached to his mouth, and small, fine hands and ears.

[“It is very difficult to take facelessness seriously,” complained a whiner named Jack Jones, of AP.  “There is no particular tone or modulation in his voice, particularly when the zipper that seals his mouth is closed, which it always is unless he is with wealthy, influential people he does not know in places he has never seen.  There is something about the eyes.  Buttons most of the time, but with remnants of life at other times.  I think the guy is telling us to follow some kind of bouncing ball while he concentrates on lifting our wallets.”]

Last April, to Hollywood’s surprise, Kushner tried to hire a former public relations head at Blumberg Pictures, named Raffaello, to become his own public relations director.  The young presidential advisor, a carrier of a hundred political portfolios, wanted a face with real features, such as relief and angles, and also a featured personality to match.  He wanted a little color in his life.  A little crazy fun, to show the woman he had met at a street dance that he could be her little bundle of joy!

Raffaello had specialized in graphic horror films that often featured a man wearing a nylon stocking mask.  Without much consideration, he took the job.  He knew that if he could give an accurate portrayal of Steve Bannon’s true nature as the scary skeletal figure on Saturday Night Live, then creating some facial features for Jared Kushner would be a cinch.  Raffaello hit on green as the color of Trump, and he would develop a green mask that carried all messages.  Ivanka would love it.  Besides, bathing in money was becoming a bore.  She, too, craved excitement.

So Kushner moved Raffaello into the White House to be part of the Office of American Innovation, a “non-partisan” group designed to assist American businesses and businessmen compete globally, including Russia .  In fact, Kushner had known Raffaello since 2015.  Even then,  Raffaello could get Kushner to move up and down the halls and in and out of offices without being recognized.  And not just because Kushner was another faceless man with tiny hands and tiny feet wearing fancy shoes.  No.  It was something infinitely better!  Like Superman, Kushner was motivated.  He wanted to go from being his naturally nerdy self to becoming, yes, a green-colored, very fast, very ugly, mean, hard-ass, money-grubbing, secret-sharing, son of a bitch who could now go forward into all sorts of trouble in the name of (careful now) but NOT with the permission of the President of the United States.  Soon, Raffaello and his boss created a variety of green disguises, with plenty of facial features, all based on the color of money and the dependable greed of mankind.

One of Kushner’s present jobs is to meet business magnates at places like the back door of Trump Tower, the delivery door at the White House, city streets, magazine stands, dumpsters, the Kremlin, and other rat holes.  The Pentagon, Capitol Hill, and CIA Headquarters are also used, “for a change of scene.”  The idea, of course, is to make deals by bringing plutocrats into the “incredible, terrific, wonderful possibilities of being part of a place just doors away from the Treasury of the United States.”  And, for very few bags of twenties, accidently left over there in that corner, “the president and I might give you a personal tour of the place where the thousand-dollar bills are printed, and where you can hold and sniff bundles of fresh, new bills while listening to the sound of the plastic-wrap machines.  Why, it’s almost like sex!”

Few fat old white Republicans, and even a smattering of fat old white Democrats, can resist that wonderful Trump family charm.  Many foreign visitors are also given long-term visas for family and friends…all for being so terrific.

A cheap pause for dinner.  Is Kushner just a dirty young man, with aspirations of growing into dirty old manhood, like Donald?  Will faceless Jared learn the ancient art of the lie, projected directly into the face of friend and foe, alike, and accepted like gospel truth?  Will Melania continue to reject the fat-fingered hand play of Donald, a theatrical performance done before millions of people?  Will she cave to his advances?  Will she divorce old buffalo-breath before the people give him the boot?  I have no idea about any of this, and Fox ain’t talking these days.

But here is what I do know.  Or almost know.  Yes, Jared has new hawk-like facial features.  Raffaello, the genius of both the visible and the invisible costume, regardless of size, shape, personality, or motive, is busier every day.  For some reason, his Russian clientele is growing rapidly.  He has released several new videos, two of which are previewed below.  The first shows Jared taking the name of a popular star as he demonstrates the incredible power of his newest masks.  The second reveals how he met and wooed the lovely Ivanka at a lively street dance.

Please remember that Jared can now choose to go for the green, while dressed in green, or to go for it as the incredibly boring, bumbling, and amateurish nerd we see just hanging around the White House scene, slavishly lapping up his father-in-law’s goofy compliments.  If you tune in today or tomorrow (better make it soon), this is the Jared you will likely see.  Still, he loves his new outfits, and looks forward to trying them on whenever he can.